Microsoft and Sun, the Real Story

February 2nd, 2008 by Ivo

So one day, Scott McNealy, founder and chairman of Sun, read in his morning newspaper how the use of Java was rapidly diminishing, courtesy of something called 'The LAMP Stack'. Furiously, he called his accountant.

Scott: "I knew this Java thing was a bad idea in the first place! I see only one solution. We need to buy this Lamp!"
Accountant: "Euh, LAMP is not a company. It's an acronym. It's Linux , Apache, MySQL and PHP"
Scott: "Then buy me Linux!"
Accountant: "But we still have this Solaris thing.."
Scott: "Then buy me Apache!"
Accountant: "That's a foundation. Nothing to buy there."
Scott: "Then buy me MySQL!"
Accountant: "We don't do databases."
Scott: "It's a database?"
Accountant: "What rock have you been living under?"
Scott: "Sweet. I can own the Lamp AND piss off Oracle at the same time!" (waves fake plastic magic wand) "Make it so!"

And so it happened.

Ten days later, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer was reading the CIO Magazine, and read about this interesting thing called PHP, that according to the author you could use to write "WHAT?!". "WHAT?!", obviously a highly advanced and evolved version of "Hello World", caught his attention. So he called Bill Gates.

Steve: "Hey, you heard about this PHP thing?"
Bill: "Pee Age Pee? You're not that old yet, are you?"
Steve: "What? No, wait, it's a programming language, apparently better than ASP.NET."
Bill: "Who cares if it's better. I mean; we made the worst operating systems ever and still rule. (Checked out Leopard yet? It is SO cool.)"
Steve: "I don't know Bill... remember that internet thing that we didn't know about years ago? Kind of nearly missed the boat there."
Bill: "Right. Didn't we solve that in the same way? Worst browser, highest market share, that sort of thing?"
Steve: "Yes we did, but then we also didn't know about this 'mp3' thing until it was too late."
Bill: "We did manage to make Zune the worst player, but somehow we're not market leader. Guess we got sloppy?"
Steve: "Maybe it's just different times. Maybe we should have a different strategy."
Bill: "Ok, so let's just buy PHP then."
Steve: "It's not a company. But Encarta says it's written by a Rasmus Lerdorf."
Bill: "So let's hire him."
Steve: "Tried that. Didn't want to join. Can't blame him, works at Yahoo."
Bill: "Then I guess we'll have to buy Yahoo."

So it happened.

Two of the most controversial announcements of this month, and both appear to be part of devious plots to take over the LAMP stack. What's next? My prediction: Red-Hat buys Zend; Oracle buys Red-Hat; Sun and IBM join forces to buy Oracle, Microsoft buys Sun, kills IBM and peace is restored in the galaxy.

P.S. Can you imagine Microsoft running sites like Flickr? These guys invented MS Paint!

30 Responses to “Microsoft and Sun, the Real Story”

  1. February 02, 2008 at 1:00 am, Windows Vista News said:

    Microsoft and Sun, the Real Story…

    Did you see the post at http://www.jansch.nl...

  2. February 02, 2008 at 2:58 pm, Michelangelo van Dam said:

    Ivo, you rule !

    I just love this story. Maybe the studios in Hollywood should make a film of all this. Might be a long time block-buster.

    Till next time,

    Michelangelo

  3. February 02, 2008 at 5:41 pm, Andrew Bidochko said:

    “Microsoft buys Sun, kills IBM and peace is restored in the galaxy.”… is it a happy end?

  4. February 03, 2008 at 5:59 am, Dan Revel said:

    I don’t see where the customer value gets created if Microsoft swallows Yahoo. Now, if Sun and Yahoo got together and started building services platforms a la Amazon, that would be something I would like to see…

  5. February 03, 2008 at 3:56 pm, Antony said:

    Very interesting fiction, if you wanted to have happy end, it should have been like, Sun has acquired Google, and they work together to beat Microsoft team and rule the software world.

    Well Written :)

  6. February 03, 2008 at 5:24 pm, Brian Reich said:

    They need to keep their hands off my beloved PHP :)

  7. February 03, 2008 at 5:41 pm, Iban said:

    Jejejeje, very funny :)

  8. February 03, 2008 at 5:41 pm, Iban said:

    Jejeje, very funny!! :-)

  9. February 03, 2008 at 8:31 pm, Jonathan Holland said:

    If MS was actually concerned about PHP, they wouldn’t have natively integrated it into IIS7, especially considering it runs 800% faster on IIS7 than it does on Apache.

    MS must be very afraid.

  10. February 03, 2008 at 10:23 pm, linuxswords said:

    very funny, I just laughed my off!

  11. February 03, 2008 at 10:25 pm, Linux Swords » Microsoft and Yahoo said:

    [...] edit: originally not from javalobby but from http://www.jansch.nl/ [...]

  12. February 04, 2008 at 7:39 am, raminder said:

    nice, could not stop laughing, i think eventually one day google will buy MS, others will join hand with google for fear of being swalloed by gaint called GOOGLE

  13. February 04, 2008 at 4:44 pm, Jim said:

    Worst post ever. Proving yet again how sophomoric the PHP group is.

  14. February 04, 2008 at 6:23 pm, drm said:

    They invented MS Paint, yes. They also invented photosynth. http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/129

    i rest my case ;)

  15. February 04, 2008 at 7:14 pm, Roshan Bhattarai said:

    No matter microsoft and yahoo merge the google will still be the king of internet…sorry bill…
    http://roshanbh.com.np

  16. February 05, 2008 at 3:21 pm, The ‘truth’ behind SUN-MySQL and MS-Yahoo! « Gandhi Manalu’s Hiding Place said:

    [...] wonder the real reasons behind that buys? You can read this ‘behind the story’ article, but don’t expect a real story, because it’s just a silly conjecture of one of PHP [...]

  17. February 05, 2008 at 4:45 pm, Andrew Peterson said:

    LOL….This is hilarious. Funny but true. I”ll be waiting for the upcomming posts: Microsoft Owns LAMP.

  18. February 05, 2008 at 4:49 pm, UriShare - Microsoft and sun the real story said:

    [...] Microsoft and sun the real storySo one day, Scott McNealy, founder and chairman of Sun, read in his morning newspaper how the use of Java was rapidly diminishing, courtesy of something called ‘The LAMP Stack’. Furiously, he called his accountant… (a funny view about Sun’s buying Submitted: 1 minute ago Category: Technology Submitter: RssFeed Website: http://www.jansch.nl Report this link: Click here to report Comments: 0 [...]

  19. February 06, 2008 at 5:35 am, The Woodwork » Blog Archive » You Use PHP to Troll WHOM?! said:

    [...] And there it is…has been for the last ten years: PHP the server-side web scripting language, unchallenged and undefeated (until Microsoft buys us out). [...]

  20. February 06, 2008 at 9:11 pm, Microsoft, Yahoo, Sun und MySQL - Die wahre Geschichte! said:

    [...] hier gibt es das Original klicken [...]

  21. February 08, 2008 at 4:51 am, Vishal Sharma said:

    No matter what – MS does Googel is hard to stop by.
    On the the real story about LAMP – and SUN buying Mysql – thats a good point .
    But MS for yhaoo – is just a logical sense not becuse they do not want to compete with google in search they do , but Microsogt is aslo trying its LIve paltform heavily which nesds heavy cluster
    of machines. Reality is Googel and Yahoo made the search business to enter in nearly impossible becuas the amount of invetsment you are up and running, but If you can leaverage their infrastructure then why not. Buying Yahoo makes lot of sense for MS, but not fo end uses like us. It will be bad for community which belives in openness.

  22. February 09, 2008 at 12:07 am, The Woodwork » Blog Archive » Sinking a Fleet of Fail (PHP and Enterprise Scalability Part 3/5) said:

    [...] And there it is…has been for the last ten years: PHP the server-side web scripting language, unchallenged and undefeated (until Microsoft buys us out). [...]

  23. February 10, 2008 at 1:28 am, Кухонная аналитика: почему Валидио отдался? at Мысли с самого низа said:

    [...] попал под влияние ажиотажа вокруг LAMP (Sun покупает MySQL, MS пытается купить Yahoo, гонясь за PHP, Google [...]

  24. April 06, 2008 at 1:59 pm, Komplo Teorileri: Microsoft neden Yahoo’yu almak istedi, Sun neden MySQL’i satın aldı? | Cnkt said:

    [...] Microsoft and Sun, the Real Story [...]

  25. April 24, 2008 at 5:24 pm, davenix said:

    Wow…your kind of an idiot.

  26. May 10, 2008 at 1:06 am, uBitKua » Blog Archive » Ivo Jansch y su historia verdadera de Microsoft y Sun said:

    [...] Microsoft and Sun, the Real Story >> [...]

  27. December 18, 2008 at 12:13 pm, Vijay said:

    very funny indeed, stumbled.

  28. December 18, 2008 at 12:43 pm, Dakota said:

    It’s hilarious except for the fact that I do believe the Zune is way better than the iPod (with the exception of the iPhone/Touch).

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